How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
