she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
But break dance skills will only take you so far
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
