6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
