I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
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And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!