obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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