so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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