A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
