You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
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he fucked my hip out of place.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
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Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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