omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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