Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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