Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
