i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
my sisters under your porch take her home
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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