you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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