i need an iv and a liver transplant
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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