You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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