yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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