even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
