I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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