Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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