my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
