i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
