It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
