the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
