sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
