I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
