Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
