I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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