Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My penis needs a shock collar
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
