I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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