I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just threw up on my dentist
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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