I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
