you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
