Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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