I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
