There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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