Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
