I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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