She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
