I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize