how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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