i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
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He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
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Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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