I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
