I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
