another moral hangover. fuck.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
