I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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