Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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