its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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