And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
