do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
