there was a trapeze. enough said
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
