The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
