More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
