1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
