FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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