I wish I could punch you in the face.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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