Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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